One year has passed..

Whoa, one year has passed. I have felt very very bad the last year. I have been struggling so much and lots of things has happened:

• Death of two dear friends = lots of stress
• Tried out EMDR for trauma work = lots of stress
• Found a endocrinologist which I thought could help me, which instead turned into a fight when I started to ask questions (such a unprofessional doctor!) = lots of stress
• Found a naturopath who has found out I have Pyroluria = lots of relief that I finally know what's wrong with me, but stress regarding how to heal it
• Boyfriend moved in with me = lots of love but also a bit stressful when things in every day life changes and all this "who's going to do the dishes" yada yada and lots of old trauma coming up to life from previous relationships
• Found out for sure I am HSP; highly sensitive person. Trying to cope with that. Slowly feeling better regarding that. I am who I am <3 
• Found a new therapist in January who really shook things up in a good way. But as always, I get worse during summer. Mental health does not take vacation like the therapists do.. 
• Big re-organisation at work. Have had nothing really to do from August '18 until May '19
• Started a new job position! Very very glad in the beginning, then almost killing myself with bad and negative thoughts and stressing myself out. But! I am having the best colleagues and manager! <3
• New levels of fatigue :( 
• New levels of depression :( 
• As of today, starting the GAPS diet to heal my gut. Let's see how it goes!
• Still not a single comment on this blog :( Should I shut it down? 
• But hey! This is my first published photo on this blog: 

:) 

Summertime hotness

Geez. It's really tiresome to be tired all the time. I have not had energy to write any post in the blog.

I have had vacation for three weeks now and I have mostly felt stressed. Stressed that "now I have three weeks off so I better do the best of them". Made me almost collapse the first days. I felt super weak and did not knew what to do. Right now in Sweden we also have intense warmth outside like we never have had before. Well, we have had it this hot but only for maximum a few days in a row. Now we have had tropical heat for about 2-3 months. It's really making my symptoms 100 times worse. I get grumpy, cranky, weak and fatigued. I guess that's also one reason why I didn't want to post any update, since I am so extremely grumpy the whole time. I will just write about how bad everything is, haha.

I called my health care central but my main doctor is also on vacation, of course. They wanted me to go there and meet a nurse to take my blood pressure. I told them it's going to be low as always, and they are going to do nothing, as always. They just tell me "oh you are going to be so glad about that when you are older". Yeah.. but I am young now, right..

Sigh.

So I am just trying to cope in the heat. I have started crocheting again, it makes me feel a bit better. However, it takes focus off my symtoms a bit. I want to learn how to knit. I have tried for 10 years but I always make a mess of it all. I want to knit a 1940s cardigan and I have a found a pattern that says it's 'easy'. So I might give it a try. But the perfectionist inside me might not like the result. Oh dear.

Did I mention I am grumpy all the time? Haha *smiles a bit*.

Apparently, I have endometriosis..

So. I have had major menstrual cramps lately. Something has not been right for some reason. It has just been this intense pain, nausea and issues I have never had before. This started some months ago.

Went to see my doctor today and he asked me tons of questions. Seems like I have endometriosis. He asked me if I know what that is. I have had my suspicions about that several years ago. Then I got contraceptive pills and the  issues connected to endometriosis went away (but other came instead). However, after quitting pills, I started seeing a doctor in Chinese medicine who stabilised my hormones. I stopped seeing him in june 2017, since my symptoms connected to low cortisol got worse and worse and he could not help me anymore. So around january 2018, my mensies pain started and the whole thing started behaving real strange.

So, another issue to my collection: endometriosis.
My doctor of course wanted to give me contraceptive pills again, or hormonal loop, but I told him I have tried hormones and they just mess with me. I gain weight like ***, I get depressed, my mucous membranes get dry like sand and so on..

He told me to just take painkillers then during period time. Guess I will try that..

Excited by testing results

Some days has passed now.

I have performed the hormonal test, Comprehensive Female 1, and shipped it last week. The instructions how to take it were a bit messy. I did not get at first if I was going to take blood test several times a day or only once. I asked support and they replied "read the instructions" but in the instructions it did not say right out that only one test was needed. But they wrote "blood test" and not "blood tests" so I supposed it was only one test in the morning. I am very excited to get the results.

In Sweden we also have an independent lab called Werlabs, where you can pick tests you want to take and go to any health care center near you and take them and get the tests analysed by a doctor. You have to pay for it yourself but still you do not need to convince any doctor to take them. I will do that with some hormonal tests. I think my estrogen and testosteron are still haywire. And since doctors in Sweden don't listen to tests taken by f.eg. Nordic Labs (where I performed the Comprehensive Female), and they do listen to Werlabs, I will take some tests through them as well.

Summertime Stress

I really, really want to be social. I have always felt bad during spring and summer. I love the warmth, since I freeze easily. But what makes me exhausated is when temperature changes too much. It gets too hot or too cold. Pressure changes and so. And the allergy reactions to blooming trees and flowers, puh. But also the social parts. Already in march, people start "so, what are your summer plans?!". I'm like: "summer?". In April, usually the employers want everyone to leave notice when they want their summer vacation. How can I know in April, what I want to do in end of July and August?! How can I possibly know how I will feel like at that time?

So now when it is officially summer and right now in Sweden it's super hot outside, people are more social than ever. It's bbq time all over the place and alcohol is placed on everyone's tables. I do not drink alcohol, I do not like drunk people. I do not like the smell of drunk people or alcohol other than using it for cleaning wounds. I love it for cleaning wounds, actually. Not to drink it. Ok, ok, I have to admit that some fine whiskey is good before going to sleep. A few zips can be really tasty. And to be used when having a sore throat. But that's it.

So all these things make me so tired and exhausted. People's plans for everything. A vacation of being home, reading and resting, is apparently not a valid vacation. My dream vacation is to rent a cabin somewhere and just stay there, laying in the hammock the whooole day long. Eating some good tuna salad and looots of fruits and good juices. And that's it. Take a walk in the forest or near the sea, take a quick bath in the sea. Sitting up in the evening, watching the sun go down, together with a loved one and a dog :). Playing some nice card game, listening to ambient or cosy music, watching some nice documentary on TV and then going to sleep pretty early. Repeat that every day for 3 weeks and we have a dream vacation.

Of course, I have dreams of travelling to Fiji. That's my dream vacation. But I see only the travelling as stressful here. While I am at Fiji, I want my little tree house near the sea. Give me some fruit to eat and sun block and then I am good to go for several weeks. Nature's healing power is amazing.

I am so tired now. I am so exhausted by meeting lots of people. I was going to go to the office today but there were no energy left when I woke up in the morning. Glad I can work from home. Tomorrow I might go there. I have a meeting I could run through Skype, but I think I will manage to go there and meet people and get some energy in. I hope.

I realize this post turned out more emotional than the other ones. But I like that - it's all connected however.

Any ideas how to regain energy after being too much social?

Supplement party..

Today I went to see my therapist. I told him about how the doctors are behaving; focusing on mental health only and not really seeing my physical issues. Finally I got some validation from someone within Swedish healthcare. We talked back and forth about low cortisol and adrenal glands. He gave me some advice I could try out, basically telling me to "give up" on Swedish health care. That I need to "fight on my own" or find a practitioner abroad. He however recommended taking vitamin D together with K2. I have never tried that, actually. But yeah, me and supplements. I get shivers just by hearing that. I still have an unopened bottle of zinc as well as Omega 3 I still have not tried.. due to all these bad reactions to all I try. Oh well. Need to get it overwidth otherwise I cannot find supplements that will help me.

However, he told me I do not have any diagnoses other than possibly some anxiety connected to the future; that I am scared of what will come. He will set me up with a doctor to have a talk and once and for all remove these diagnoses they have put on me. Unfortunately I need to wait until august or so until I can get that meeting. But my therapist told that they are keen on "letting me go" so that other clients can get therapy. So this will be prioritized, yey.

I also tried to gather some energy to make the adrenal coctail. Has anybody tried it? The ingredient Cream of tartar (called 'vinsten' in Swedish) seems impossible to get in Sweden. It needs to be ordered/found specially. I have found it here in Sweden but shipping is kind of expensive and I am never driving by the place. Oh well. I might exchange it to potassium chloride instead since cream of tartar is something made from yeast, which I am sensitive to (high in histamine = big no no). Apparently potassium chloride can be purchased here. I have not ordered it yet. Again, supplements make me anxious and sort of ruins my economy, hehe. I am buying lots of supplements which I cannot take due to reactions :/

Anyone tried the adrenal coctail, btw?

Incoming tests and talks

Some days ago I ordered the Comprehensive Female 1 test from Nordic Labs. I have done it before, I think it was 2014. My cortisol levels were not as they are supposed to be. Super low in the morning and higher in the evening. Quite the opposite as it should be. Since I am more fatigued than ever lately, it will be interesting to see how leves look like now.

Need to break blood on my own finger, that's the scary part. 

Tomorrow I will also visit my therapist. I will ask them to remove any unnecessary diagnoses the psychiatry has given me. Last summer they were mumbling about some personality disorders that they later on claimed I do not have. They even sat there with me for 10 minutes and then they had decided that I have this and this diagnose. Can doctors really do that? Don't they need proper examination to a client in order to tell diagnoses? However, these freakin' diagnoses have been hauting me since then. Going to emergency with stomach pain and not able to eat for 48 hours and they tell me it's only "in my head", as they did past winter. Made me insane. I reported that doctor, asking how it's relevant to check my psychiatric journal when seeking for stomach pain attacks. She told it is very important indeed. I never understood that. 

However, when reporting a doctor in Sweden, nothing ususally happens. The doctor does not get any punishment for treating someone in a bad way. I think maybe if they miss out some serious diagnose and the client dies, then maybe something happens. But I do not think even the doctor gets removed from her/his place, even. It's horrible. 

So I will see how it goes. Hopefully I get diagnose free with some good comment also so I can start getting proper treatment. The only psychiatric diagnose I would agree to that I have is somewhat generalized anxiety. During the last year since the crash I have anxiety because I have no idea what's happening to my body. And noone seem to be able to tell me what is actually happening. When I get reactions to pills and creams, I just hear "Oh that cannot be" or "I have never heard anyone with these reactions before, so it sounds unlikely". Yeah yeah, please stop invaliding me.. 

Anyone can relate?  

Passing out and more ignorance

Ok so now I have passed out. Another symptom to my health CV :D

I have felt really bad for the last weeks; my symptoms have been worse than ever. Blerh. I called my health care central and asked for an appointment to my doctor. Got an appointment on the 1 of June at 10:30am. I went back to bed to rest. Then I decided to get up to get some work done. I felt super funky. Dizzy, heavy head and pain in lower stomach. Went to the bathroom and then I felt even more funky. Sat down on the toilet and placed my head between my legs to get blood back in my head. Then I do not remember anything else then waking up at the bedroom floor. WTF happened?

Super stressed out and scared, called my dad. He told me to call my boyfriend. So I did and luckily he was not fully occupied at his work so he could keep an eye on me. I also called my health care central and told them what happened. They told me to have company by my side and not be alone. If things got worse, I should go to the emergency. Otherwise, stay resting and go to booked appointment on 1 of June.

I was super funky in my head the whole day. Completely exhausted and dizzy. Made me super sweaty and weak to just go for a walk around the house. I tried to rest as much as possible. I felt so patheric feeling like a 95 year old lady.

However, I managed to keep away from pass out again.

The doctor's appointment was somewhat a disapointment. I brought papers with me from the endocrinologist in Göteborg, showing my low cortisol and anemia, but my doctor did not listen much. He just told my cortisol is "within range" and that I do not have anemia. Even though my symptoms are 100 % like both low cortisol and anemia, my doctor refused to even send a referral to check it closer. But he did however tell me to send the notes or a referral from my endocrinologist in Göteborg, to the endocrinologists at his clinic, so "they could take a look". But I am pretty sure they will refuse to take me in. My doctor also told me "I will not treat you with any iron". I told him about my endocrinologist wanting to give me iron intravenously. He just said "I am not going to do that". OK..? Well fine.. don't bother examinating my low iron levels further either.

Geez, some people could not care less..

/ignored

I have tried contacting my district health care centre now to get this cortisone examination done. They seem very unwilling to check me up. I met another doctor than my usual and he just told me I could possibly not get that reaction from cortisone cream. I showed him my eczema and I told I need something for it, but without cortison. The doctor from the evening district health care centre told me I need to get proper treatment for that eczema without cortisone.

The doctor just ignored what I just said and told me he will prescribe a cortisone cream for me which is "somewhat weak and should do". He also told me I have iron deficiency and I need to buy something called 'Blutsaft' (a Swedish Liquid Iron Supplement). I told him I have tried that soo many years and it does not work! It also contains gluten which I do not consume. He said nothing. He also told me I might have vitamin D deficiency but he will check it with a blood test.

A letter came home some days after telling me I do have vitamin D deficiency but now when summer comes along, I do not need to take any supplements since being out in the sun will give me vitamin D. Geez, I have told that doctor that even in summer I have vitamin D deficiency. And that I cannot take vitamin D supplements since I get leg cramps and get super sleepy from it. He just /ignores me. 

Creepy cortisone

I have had eczema for a while now. I think it started in november 2017. I have tried all natural stuff for it, but nothing helps. I found some cortisone cream at home I tried on and got some really bad reaction to it. My symptoms got worse. First I got insomnia, stress, anxiety, panic, dizzyness etc. I though I was gonna sleep it off. Nope, it was still there days and weeks after.

I called my health care center and they told me that if I have dizzyness and palpations, I should seek emergency care since it can be thrombosis. Ok, well, not much to do. I was at the train and the nurse on the phone told me to get off NOW this instant and call 112 (911 in Sweden). I thought that was maaaaybe a little too extreme so I tried to calm down on the train from work and went immediately to the emergency.

They took me in and I talked to them but they did not perform any tests. They just told me to go to the evening health care instead. So I did. There was a huuuuuuuuge line. Lots of people coming from emergency, being told to go to the evening health care instead.

First I met a nurse who did not want to take me in. She told me the same, "if I have dizzyness and palpations, I should seek emergency care since it can be thrombosis". Yeah yeah, I have heard that one before. I stayed in the waiting room and finally they took me in. They did some checkups and told me I was "probably fine". They could not guarantee anything of course, since they could not perform proper testing there.

The doctor I met told me some people get that reaction from cortisone cream. She also told I need to be examinated properly why I reacted this way, but it must be done on a regular health care center. She told me that she will send them a referral and I will call them and start this examination.

Will see how that goes..